Healing Through Breastfeeding

First Latch

It's World Breastfeeding Week, and I wanted to take a little time to share with you my breastfeeding story.  I am very lucky I have been blessed with an easy breastfeeding journey; it's what helped Jellybean and I bond, and it was the balm that helped sooth the emotional wound from her birth.  In the hour between when she was born via cesarian section and when I finally got to hold her I felt like my body had failed me, and that I had failed her. In the happiness of having her safely here I was depressed and a little angry.  And honestly those feeling continues for more than a few months past her birth.  But the moment she was placed in my arms she nuzzled in close and latched without much help.  I felt relieved, I felt elated, I felt like I could in fact do this mothering thing, despite the extra intervention to get her here.  I still worried that somehow her birth would leave a mark on our relationship, that some how we would not fully bond.  She has proven me wrong.

Nursing a Toddler

Not only did my champion nursling take to the breast easily
, but my milk came in quickly. With in a week she was over her birth weight.  We never suffered thrush, clogged ducts or nipple confusion.  Her and I became a fairly inseparable pair.  Even though she willingly went to other people to play and socialize when she was tired or hungry there was only one answer and one person she wanted, Mama and her milk. Our biggest nursing hurtle was trying to get her to take
a bottle or a binky, she never really took to a bottle and only picked up the binky as a toddler when she started weaning.  I was fortunate to breastfeed her a few weeks past her second birthday before my body decided it needed to focus on feeding the little baby growing inside my belly and not the wiggly little girl on my lap.  I look forward to being able to nourish and bond with another little nursling, and pray that it will go as smoothly as my journey with Jellybean.

It has been a few months since she fully weaned, and while she will now except others for comfort she is still my ever companion.  And if she could articulate it properly I think she would tell you that she is part of me, or that I am part of her.  But either way we are an extension of each other, and that is more than just because I am her mother.

Growing Some More

Our very subtle baby announcement came a month
before we moved in to our new home.

Things have changed since I last sat down and looked at my blog. We have finally move into our new house even though it is still unfinished (but that's another post). And we have been blessed with the surprise of adding one more to our family.  This little mama is growing another little person.

I was hoping to use this as an opportunity to write post upon post about being pregnant, and waiting for baby.  But honestly this time is a lot different.  Our whole situation is different.  We are just as excited, but there is no time for naval gazing and reading about baby names when you have a house to complete and are trying to keep a toddler from climbing the drapes.  We haven't been as social and I'm not working outside the house; so there is no one to ask how I'm doing or if they can touch my belly.  I am not having a baby shower and there is no long registry.  I haven't been as good about eating a high nutrient diet or doing my prenatal yoga.  There is no birthing class or pile of Mommy Magazines.

And part of me feels really guilty.  I really thought it was going to be a magical little time, like it was with Jellybean. And I wonder if some how this little boy is just getting gypped.  I know he will be just as health and loved as Jellybean, but I do still worry that some how it is effecting him.  I guess part of my job as a mother is to worry about these things. But really I just feel guilty, and sad for him.

Why I Wear

At Old Sturbridge Village

Babywearing, for some it's just something they do, for others it is a way of life.  For me it is a life saver.

When I was a new mother, healing from a cesarean and home by myself all day with a new baby who wanted to be held, babywearing is what allowed my to do that.  Holding Jellybean in my arms on the couch or in the rocking chair was doable.  But when I got up I just couldn't.  I couldn't even stand up while holding her, and putting her down standing up and then picking her up was only slightly better.  Carrying her anywhere was hard and painful.  Babywearing is what allowed me to comfort and bond with my newborn, it kept me from using muscles that weren't ready to be used. It kept my tiny little girl happy and and from crying.  And it occasionally allowed me to get something to eat.

A Fancy Night Out

Now that I am healed and doing better babywearing is a joy.  I have enjoyed my sister's rehearsal dinner at a loud and fancy restaurant, while Jellybean slept safely tucked away in my wrap.  Jellybean has explored Old Sturbridge Village, met an ox and a sheep, watch the turkeys, nursed and napped. All while safely being worn on me.  We have hiked, gone to historical reenactment events, Black Friday shopping and late night parties all while babywearing.



Babywearing has even allowed me to keep my child close while at work. Saving us the cost of daycare and all the headaches that go with finding a loving care giver.

I would not be able to to the wife, friend, sister,
or mother that I am without babywearing.

Getting Ready for Our Walk

Babywearing allows me to be me.

The Sleepless Secret

We have a big secret in our house.  My wonderful, curious, independent, amazing, well behaved and reasonable toddler doesn't sleep through the night.  Not only does she not sleep through the night but she wakes up every hour. And the only thing that will get her to go back down in nursing.  I am her lovey and if her father dares try to comfort her she will cry herself into hysterics.

It is exhausting.

And while I curse the fact that I have gotten no sleep or that I woke up with a back spasm because the sleep I got was in a weird position trying not to roll over on the baby that has climbed into bed; I know I will one day miss the sweet baby cuddles.

But tonight is not that night.

Tonight is the night I wish I could stick a pacifier in her mouth and a dolly under her arm and just send her off to bed.

But I can't

I can't have my child scared and upset because I'm not there. So I will finish my tea and post my blog entry and go back to bed before she wakes up again.  And tomorrow I will be tired.

But my child will be happy.

Hats off.

I have a confession to make,

I love baby hat.

I mean seriously I'm obsessed with them.

Especially with ears,

Or hand made,

Or hand made and with ears.

Better yet, baby gnome hats.

Even little bed time pilot caps.

And to double the love and baby obsessions, baby hats while babywearing.

Where Have I Been?

We need a nap

I am incredibly bad at self care.  I manage to feed and water myself.  I remember to go to the bathroom and usually leave the house in shoes and not slippers. But things like taking a little time for myself... I'm just bad at it.  I have wanted to take a bath for weeks, but all I can manage is a mostly regular shower.  I have had a myriad of posts on my mind and haven't written a one.  I desperately want a foot message and yet somehow I forget to ask for one.  I am just bad at doing things for myself.

Jellybean's new 'cosleeper'

I am also incredibly sleep deprived.  My little adventurer has decided that I am her pacifier and that she needs her passi in her mouth. All. Night. Long.  So I nurse her all night long.  This is a new thing that started shortly after she started crawling.  Hopefully self soothing will come soon and she can happily go back to sleeping in her cosleeper (which is actually now her full sized crib next to the bed with the side rail dropped).  She is getting so big.

In other news I have an Instagram account and can be found there regularly: Growing_Mama

Sleepy Six Months

I look at Jellybean and am amazed that in six short months she has become such a little person. She is fully awake to the world around her; she laughs, she reaches and grabs, moving around she enjoys and explores her surroundings.

But when she is a sleep and her face becomes soft and quiet, I put her cheek up to mine and smell her sweet milky breath, and for a moment she is that newborn baby.

Who in the dark of the hospital room at
midnight I clung to as if she was a little dolly.  Scared and excited, healing from the wounds of her birth. It's the peaceful little face that I stared at as the sun came up the next morning.

Jellybean, ready to join the world, was that tiny little newborn for only a handful of hours.  But when she sleeps I am reminded of that long, precious, quite first night.